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Close Apart Author: Lídia Cristina Duarte Close Apart Angel lay on his bed staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep. His friends had finally left, after hours trying to help him overcome the shock. He had feared this day would come. He had tried his best to avoid it, to postpone it... But she was dead now. Buffy was dead. He kept repeating it to himself as if he couldn't totally believe it yet. With all the fuss there had been to keep him from falling apart, he could barely glue two thoughts together. Up till now, anyway. He had hardly managed to get them all to go home, taking Fred with them. Wesley took Willow back to Sunnydale so he could check on Giles. And, now, there he was. Alone. He told them - as a matter of fact, he assured them - that was what he wanted. To be alone with his thoughts. Only, now, it just hurt too much... Angel raised from bed and got dressed. He needed... air or something.
He didn't know. Kate seemed startled when she opened the door. No big surprise there, seeing that it was past 2 a.m. already. "Angel? What...", she started to speak, then stopped. A mere look at him was all she needed to know something was very wrong. She had been worried about him ever since he called to tell her about what had happened to Cordelia and how they were planning to go after her to rescue her somehow. "Is it Cordelia? What happened? Couldn't you save her?" Concern showed in her voice as she urged him in. Angel sobbed. He could barely say it aloud. "No. It's not Cordelia. She's fine. We all are. But... Buffy. She's dead." Tears finally rolled down his eyes. The tears that had seemed to elude him up to that moment. Kate was shaken seeing him cry. She didn't know all that much about Buffy. Just that he loved her deeply in spite of their being apart. He had mentioned going to Sunnydale to comfort Buffy when her mother passed away. And she could also remember how Buffy stood up to her that night at the station when she threatened Angel with a cell facing east. So Kate figured their relationship was still good after breaking up though she had never pressed for more information than might incidentally make its way to her ears. She tried her best to comfort him. But she didn't try to make him stop weeping. It truly hurt her to see him like that, yet she knew he needed to vent. Angel cried for a long while, muttering his pain in words that didn't always seem to make sense to Kate. He told her a lot of things she had never heard of. He kept mumbling about how he had given up his chance at a human, normal life for the sake of Buffy mainly. She didn't understand it all, but she didn't think it mattered much. It was more important to let him get it all out of his system. She could always ask for explanations later, someday. And he appreciated that. The opportunity to talk without being interrupted... not even to try and comfort him. Kate did that silently, with her eyes. She would occasionally nod and wipe his tears gently. But that was it. She was there for him... to listen. His well-intentioned friends weren't able to do just that. Angel
realized he had felt oppressed by all the lavishing attention he got from
them all of a sudden. Now he seemed to be done crying, yet he feared leaving Kate's side. He needed to rest. A good night's... er, day's sleep was sorely in order. But, he didn't want to go. Kate didn't fail to notice that. So she offered him shelter for the day. She actually gave up her bed for him as the couch would be too uncomfortable for a man that big. Again, he appreciated it. Only it didn't feel right to have her sleep on the couch. So they settled on sharing the bed. Kate didn't intend to do that, really. She leaned by him, nestling his head on her lap. "Aren't you going to sleep?", he asked faintly. "Not yet. Don't worry. I'll be fine. Now, just try and get some rest, ok? I'll do the same as soon as you fall asleep.", she reassured him. Only, when he did, she moved his head to the pillow and then took a moment to lie by his side and watch him sleep. He looked so strong, yet so helpless. Kate drowsily remembered all their shared history. How attracted she was at first. Then ashamed of it, when she uncovered the truth about him. But... was that the truth? She realized there was so much she didn't know about him... She could barely begin to understand all he had just told her. Their relationship had changed since her suicide attempt. They were more like friends now. Well, not really. But they would talk to each other regularly as he kept checking on her, to see how she was doing. And she checked on him, too. Only not openly. They were still finding their feet there. But it was a beginning... Her thoughts seemed to fade into dreams and she was asleep before she
knew it. The next night, when the bell rang, Kate wasn't that surprised to see him there. She welcomed him, asking if he was any better. "Not really. The guys keep trying to cheer me up, you see..." "And all you want is to mourn your loss in peace, right? That's okay, Angel. You can come over whenever you want." She was glad to be of help to him and she liked being needed. They spent hours sharing both words and silence. More silence than words, actually. An occasional tear escaped him, every now and then. Kate didn't pretend not to notice, yet she made no big deal of it. She knew mourning. She understood it well. And, oddly enough, she understood him too, though she felt she hardly knew him and she had never been in love like him. Yet, she could see his pain and she instinctively seemed to know what he needed. And, once more, what he needed was someone to just be there for him. Fred had done that in Pylea, but now she was all wrapped up in rediscovering their world. He didn't blame her for that. She well deserved it. And there was Kate... Angel was amazed at how cherishing she was being. When it became obvious it was time to go home already, Angel started to fumble and Kate was quick to take the cue. "I guess you don't want be alone tonight, either...", she offered softly. "Well... As a matter of fact, if you didn't mind...", he said tentatively. Kate grinned sympathetically. It was weird sharing her bed like that. But she'd already done it once... And she liked the experience. It was comforting, really. Not only to him, but to her too. It went on for some time. He'd show up at her door some time at night and they'd talk a bit, then go to bed. Together. Yet, nothing ever happened between them, apart from an incidental episode of snuggling here and there. Kate became so used to it that she found she just couldn't sleep the
one night he didn't come. And it really bothered her to see she had become
so attached to him she needed his physical presence just to doze off. It
dawned on her that it was no longer necessary for her to keep that up. It
probably never was. She questioned her senses as she rolled on bed,
unconsciously searching for him. She opened the door, but didn't greet him with her usual smile. Angel sensed trouble. "I'm sorry I didn't call you last night. Hope you didn't stay up waiting for me. It's just that...", he tried to excuse himself, but she cut him short. "Look, Angel... I'm not your wife. So, you don't owe me an explanation, ok?", she retorted dryly. "Well, okay. Maybe not an explanation, but I do owe you an apology.", he said sheepishly. "Yes, I guess an apology is in order. But, since you've already done that, I'd appreciate it if you left now. I want to go to bed early. Alone." "So... What you're saying is that an apology isn't enough and you're still going to punish me for failing you?" Angel could see them sliding back to their old pattern and that truly disturbed him. He thought they were over it. He really hoped they were over it! "Fine, come in. Let's talk this through.", she conceded. Angel sat on the couch and waited. He expected to hear her complaining about how he had been taking her for granted or something. But he was wrong. Kate didn't seem at ease. Not at all. She squirmed a bit, then started to speak. "I'm not trying to punish you, Angel. And I don't think you failed me." She paused to gather her arguments, then continued. "You didn't come last night. That's all. A call would have been nice, since you knew I would be expecting you. But then, that's about it. You had no obligation to show here and, to tell you the truth, I don't even get how we came to this. I mean, why was I expecting you? You're not my boyfriend or anything. And this whole sleeping in the same bed night after night has got to stop. It shouldn't even have begun, for starters!" Angel didn't know what to say. He felt he was going to lose something that had turned to be very important to him. But she was right. There was no way to justify his need to be around her like that every night. She had gracefully allowed him to share her bed for quite some time already. "Kate... I know this is certainly an annoyance to you, but..." "It's not. Don't you see? That's exactly the problem. I just don't have a life! If I had, having you over like this would be inconvenient, at least. But, it's not! Gee, it seems I'm deader than your girlfriend!" Kate's voice had assumed an unusual high pitch. "That's not true, Kate.", he offered quietly. "Humor me, please!" She was about to start crying. "Angel, I need to
get my life together. I've been sloppy about that for too long, now. I'm
starting anew. And that begins here. I want you to leave, Angel. I've been
using your need for comfort as a crutch and that has got to stop. I hope
you understand..." Angel tried to stay apart from her as she wanted. But then, too many nights he'd find himself lurking outside her building, watching her windows in order to get a glimpse of her. It soon became a habit, his nightly ritual, to wait for all her lights to go out before heading home to sleep. Some nights he'd miss it because of his duties, of course. And he truly regretted not being there on such occasions. But, most of them he'd be there... silently watching over her. Until one night he came and found no lights on at all. Only it wasn't that late and, from all he knew of her habits, she shouldn't be sleeping already. Angel worried something might have happened. So he decided to stay around and wait. It took a couple of hours before he found out. Then he saw Kate arrive with a stranger. A good-looking guy, as far as Angel could tell from the distance. He looked on, expecting to see her bid the guy farewell and go home. No such luck. What he saw was some kissing and fondling before they both followed to her apartment. Angel was shocked to realize what that meant. He knew he shouldn't be. After all, Kate was single and beautiful. And she had said she wanted to get herself a life. Yet... He pondered for long minutes what he should do next. The obvious answer
was to wish her well and leave. But Angel found himself wrestling with the
idea of going up there and blowing the party. Kate didn't utter a sound when she saw him standing on the threshold. It was painfully visible that she was not happy to see him there. But he just ignored all the red flags and went on the same. "Hi, Katie! Long time, no see.", he said, cheerfully. She shot him a look that could have killed him, if he weren't already dead. "Yeah, right. Why don't we keep it that way?", she answered as she grabbed his arm and tried to get him to turn around. Angel dodged her and proceeded to settle comfortably on the couch. Then, pretending to have just noticed the presence of the other man, he introduced himself. "Oh, hi! I'm Angel. And who are you? I don't think we've met before..." "Uh, hi. I'm Matthew. Are you an ex or what?" Matthew was so not in the mood for that. "Wow! Kind of blunt, aren't you?" "Look, pal, I'm not the one who's interrupting..." "So, I'm interrupting? And what exactly am I interrupting, if I may ask?" Angel's smile was as cynical as they come. Kate's displeasure was growing by the second. She was about to literally kick Angel when Matthew announced he was leaving. "But... Matthew, wait! I'll get rid of him this minute." "Sorry, Kate. You should have told me you had issues. I'm not willing to put up with this." Having said that, he left. "Out!", she ordered. He didn't budge. "Out!", she repeated, only louder. "Come on, Kate. Don't you see I did you a favor? That guy only wanted to fuck you. It was written all over his face that he just didn't care for you." "And I suppose that gives you the right to interfere with my life like that, right?" She was truly infuriated. "I just wanted to preserve you. He would have disposed of you as soon as he was finished and I don't want you to get hurt, Kate." Angel tried to reason. But, deep inside, he knew he had been wrong barging in like that. "What the hell makes you think I'd feel hurt? Can't you possibly conceive that maybe I just wanted him to fuck me?", she yelled at him. Angel never expected to hear that. His face became a mask of confusion. "What? Just because you never bothered to see me as a woman doesn't mean I'm not one. I am, Angel. And I have needs! Maybe Matthew wasn't all that much, but he could still provide me with what I need." She went into a huff. He looked at her, unbelievingly. Was she serious? She didn't say another word. She was obviously waiting for him to get up and leave. Angel hardly thought before speaking. "Well... I can provide what you need too.", he almost whispered. Kate sneered and immediately snapped at him. "I see you're done mourning your lost love!" She was aware that was a low blow. But she felt implying he would be willing to have sex with her just to appease her was a low blow too. Didn't he see that would hurt her? The reference to Buffy did throw Angel off balance. Only not for the reasons Kate had figured. All of a sudden he realized that he hadn't thought much about Buffy for quite a while. Ever since Kate banished him from her side, all he cared about was looking after her. No... On second thought, it started before that. He couldn't pinpoint the exact moment when his interest shifted from Buffy to Kate as just now he acknowledged the fact that it had indeed shifted. Her words brought him back to reality. "Seems you've changed your mind... That's fine with me. I'm going to bed now. Please turn off the lights on your way out." She called his bluff. As he saw her turn around and get into her bedroom, Angel tried to regain composure. He needed to array his feelings before deciding what to do. He slumped into the couch while staring intensely at the door. Doors, in fact. His gaze alternated between the front door and the door to her bedroom. Remembering Buffy made it all the more difficult... Because she was dead. Lost to him for all time. He gave her up, abandoning even those shreds of happiness he used to enjoy by her side and now it was all definitely over. No shanshu would ever change that. Not that he had been hoping for that, really... Now, if he chose to walk into her room and go ahead with it, he knew it wouldn't be the same as he had with Buffy. For one thing, because Kate didn't love him. Of course, that made it all easier in one front as he didn't have to bother with the curse. It would never be perfect under such circumstances... But then, even if it was not perfect, wasn't it worth it? He loved her. That was clear to him now. And though she was mad at him at the moment, he was sure he could override that. Carpe diem, he thought. Though carpe noctem would have made more sense. His decision made, he headed for her bedroom.
Kate was surprised to see him enter the room. She thought he had left already. She was calmer now. Somehow, she was even grateful that Angel had put an end to that situation with Matthew. Yes, she was feeling needy. Lonely. Her bed had been haunting her ever since she asked Angel to stop visiting every night. It seemed too big for her now, too deserted. Of course, Matthew wanted nothing but sex. But that meant some company, even if it was for a brief period. So she admitted having a guy over was hardly a solution to her problems. But what was the solution? Not Angel, unfortunately. He'd never be hers. His heart would always belong to Buffy, even though she was dead. And she couldn't keep fooling herself any longer, pretending she was happy to just sleep by his side. Finding Angel at her door that very night was disturbing. Having him assume airs of superiority and deem her a damsel in distress in need of rescuing didn't help at all. She didn't want it to be like that. She didn't want to confess that she missed him. When he suggested he could give her sex, her heart had skipped a beat. Aw, how she had dreamed of that... Particularly on those occasions when she'd wake up in middle of the night to find his arms encircling her. She relished those opportunities to cuddle. A bit too much, actually. Sending him away was one of the hardest things she ever did. But she had given up hope of ever getting to the next level with him and she couldn't stand being that close without being able to touch him unless he was sound asleep. What was he doing there still? Kate looked at him as he slowly approached her. She wished he'd go before she broke apart. It was too hard to have him there after what he had said. Even if he didn't really mean it. Specially if he didn't really mean it. "Kate? May I talk to you?" She heard his voice call and was glad the room was dark, so he couldn't see how shaken she was. "Go away, Angel! We have nothing to talk about." "Yes, we do." He was by her side now and he gently touched her face. First with his hand, then with his lips. "I'm sorry, Kate. I know I haven't treated you properly, but I'm willing to make up for that." She tried to refrain from shivering. His voice was soft and he was so
close...
When they were done, they nestled into each other's arms for a long while. Well, maybe not that long as they soon engaged in another round of kissing that led to another round of love-making. Round and round they went, all night through. Angel used all his skills and abilities as a lover to make sure Kate wouldn't dismiss him again. Kate was in heaven that night. She knew he was probably thinking of Buffy all the time. But she decided not to worry about that and enjoy it while it lasted. She couldn't have his heart, so what? She could still have the rest of his body, at least for that night. She would suffer alright. That was for sure. But the fact was she was already suffering. She had been suffering so long. Why couldn't she take some good along with the bad? Angel was thinking along the same lines. He was oblivious to anything but having her near. He was trying, anyway.
When he showed up the following night, both of them were quite nervous. They feared the other's reaction. They feared losing the feelings they had just uncovered. And they feared never being able to experience all that closeness again... Of course, in spite of all the awkwardness, they soon found the way back to her bed. That night... and the next... and the next...
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