Disclosure

:"Hi, Kate. May I come in?" Angel seemed tired. "Why, yes. Of course, you can. I thought we were over that already.", Kate said, while stepping out of his way.

"I know... but it’s always best to ask." He shot her a glance that showed he wasn’t quite sure they were really over that, after all. "You don’t look so well. Is there a problem?"

He sat on the couch and slowly took in his surroundings. Her apartment seemed different now as for the first time he could give it a decent look. He was glad to be there. Glad he had a chance.

"No. I mean, yes. Well... Not really a problem." He studied her face for a moment, realizing how close he had been to never seeing it again. "A friend’s mom died. I needed to know how she was coping with it. It’s never easy. So, I went there... to try to comfort her, you know." He hesitated. "I’m sorry it’s so late, but I couldn’t travel during the day. And I had to talk to... someone after that."

"Travel?" Kate became curious.

"To Sunnydale. That’s where she lives."

"Sunnydale... That rings a bell." She squinted her eyes and frowned a bit, trying to locate the name in her memory. "Wait. I remember now. That’s the town that issued the warrant against that girl, Faith. The one you..." "Yeah, yeah. That’s it!" He interrupted her, not wanting to go down that lane. "She used to live there. Not only her, as a matter of fact. Also Cordelia, Wesley and me. And Buffy is still there."

"Buffy? Isn’t that the girl who kept arguing that night?" "Right. It was her mother to die." He was still looking at her, grateful she was not dead.

"I’m sorry for her, even though I don’t really know her." She did feel sorry, but her curiosity had been perked. "But... You said you all lived there. Why did you move?"

"That’s a long story. And I don’t think you’d want to hear it." He became evasive.

"Which means you don’t want to tell it..." His refuse only made her even more curious. But there was a lot to him she didn’t know about and she had decided it was best to let him speak out in his own time. After all, what could be worse than being a vampire? If she had learnt to deal with that, she believed she could handle whatever came in the future.

So, she changed subjects.

"Ok, I’ll give you a break on this one. But let me ask you something else then..." She was trying to play nice, yet there were so many questions she wanted to see answered she just couldn’t let go of the opportunity. "You said it’s never easy to lose a parent... How do you know that? Can you remember any of your mortal life, Angel?"

He gulped. He had been wishing to avoid certain issues, hoping maybe Cordelia or Wesley would fill her in like they had done with Gunn. Yet this was one question they wouldn’t be able to answer. It seemed nobody had ever bothered to wonder what he was like when he was alive. None of his friends, at least. "Yes... I do remember." His voice was almost a whisper. Kate didn’t say anything. She just waited, watching him intensely as he seemed to sort through his memories.

"But I’d rather not, to tell the truth..."

She reached across the small distance keeping them apart and touched his face, lifting it. There were tears in his eyes.

Kate was puzzled. She didn’t know what to do. She needed to know the reason behind all his sadness if she was to help. But, what if she couldn’t? "Tell me, Angel... What can you remember? Did you have a family?" Her own voice was whispering now, trying to calm him down, hoping it would help him get it off his chest.

"I did." He sighed. "We lived in Ireland. My father was a merchant and we led a comfortable life. Near the end there were only the four of us living at home: my father, my mother, my little sister, Kathy, and me." "Kathy?" She was surprised to hear that.

"Yes, she was the youngest. My other sisters were married and living away. And I didn’t have any brothers. No one to share the load..." She looked at him, begging him to continue.

"It was the eighteenth century, Kate. Having sisters was fine and I loved them, specially Kathy. But it was up to me to keep the family’s name. I was the one supposed to bring honor to my father, to make him proud... And I could never do that." He paused for a moment. "My father never had a problem pointing out what a disappointment I was. His only son was never up to him." Angel was tense. The memories of his family and all that happened hurt him still.

"At last, I gave in. I left the house. I had already become a drunkard and spent most of my time in taverns and brothels. When Darla came along, promising to show me things I had never seen, I just went with it. I never saw it coming..." Kate could see the sorrow in his eyes, still full of tears he wouldn’t let slip.

Angel went on.

"When I arose, she was there... waiting for me. She was always there for me, like no one else before. And she was never disapproving... On the contrary. She cheered when I killed every single person in the village." "Every single person? Angel, does that mean...?" Kate was petrified. Her heart was racing. Please, let it not be true, was all she could think. But it was. She could see it in his eyes. He didn’t try to deny it.

"Kathy let me into the house. She was glad to see me. Thought I was an angel."

"An angel? So..."

"That was not my name. I guess you figured that. No irishman would ever call his first-born Angel." He snorted.

"What was your name?" Her voice could barely be heard. "Liam." Angel kept avoiding her stare. "But after all that happened I decided to get a new name. Liam was a failure. A loser who could never even please his father. And I thought I was so much more than that. I thought I had defeated him, made something out of myself. It didn’t take long to become the Scourge of Europe..."

"Angelus... The heartless bastard I read so much about..." Kate was beside herself with perplexity.

"Not heartless, Kate. Soulless!" Angel corrected her.

"What do you mean?"

"Vampires are soulless creatures, Kate. That’s why they can kill without remorse. No soul, no conscience." He finally met her gaze. "I was like that then. Only when I got my soul back..."

"Your soul? I... don’t understand. How could you get your soul back? How did you lose it in the first place?" She was so confused she could scream. "I lost it when I died. That’s what happens. Don’t you know how it works?" "Well... I read a lot of books. There were different versions to how one becomes a vampire..."

"Ok. From the beginning, then... When vampires feed, they usually kill their victims. Only, when they want, they can turn one of their victims by stopping to suck when they’re near death and making them drink some of their blood. After that, the victim dies. And, upon death, the soul leaves the body. When the new vampire arises, it’s just a soulless body inhabited by a demon." "But then... How come you got your soul back?" She was looking at him frantically.

He lowered his head before answering.

"In 1878, Darla and I were in Romania. It was my birthday, so to speak, and she gave me the one present I had been longing for: a gypsy girl. Her family wasn’t too thrilled about her fate, as you may imagine. So they cursed me, giving me my soul back."

"What? I don’t get it. Why?" Her confusion didn’t seem to clear up with his explanations.

"Because... Don’t you see? It was brilliant! They wanted to make me suffer and they did. All of a sudden, I had my soul back and the memories of the people I killed or tortured or maimed or... Well, they all became alive! I could finally relate... Understand their pain, their terror... My conscience was killing me after that! And that wasn’t all. No... There was still more coming my way." Angel gave Kate a painful look.

"Darla threw me out of the house after trying to kill me. She figured it out before I did... That I would never be the same again. I tried, but I couldn’t. Killing people became too much for me to bear. So I became a pariah. Other vampires think I’m pathetic. And, of course, people don’t think too much of me, neither. I guess I don’t have to tell you why, do I?" Kate was a bundle of mixed feelings. Confusion, mostly. But there were also compassion, repulsion, pity, sadness...

"But... You have your friends, Angel."

"Yes. Now, I do. But, for almost a hundred years, I rambled aimlessly. Not a part of the world as I didn’t fit in by any measures. It’s been just a few years since I found a reason to go on, Kate. I found friends..." He tried to smile, a faint smile. "I almost lost it all, though. And now I have a lot of work to do to try and mend the situation."

"Well... I’m sure you can do it, Angel. They’re your friends, they’ll understand." She tried to smile, too.

"What about you? Can you still be my friend after all I just told you, Kate?", he asked anxiously.

Kate had to stop for a minute. It had all happened so fast... So many revelations at once. And she just knew there was more to be told. She stood up and walked towards the window, taking her time to absorb all he had said. Looking outside, she remembered how just half an hour ago she thought she could deal with anything he could tell her. Could she? She looked at him and averted her eyes again. He had murdered his own family... Now, she had knowledge of a great many outrageous acts he had performed, but... this?

Angel raised himself from the couch and went slowly in direction of the front door. He knew he had lost her. He shouldn’t have come here to see her. But, after what happened to Joyce, he had felt an unexplainable urge to be near her. "I’m leaving now." He announced, without expecting a response. "Good-bye, Kate."

"Don’t!" She turned around quickly and ran to him.

He was startled, gazing at her as she threw her arms around him and hugged him.

She let go as suddenly as she had started.

Looking embarrassed, Kate tried to excuse herself. "Gee, that was... awkward, right? Now, listen to me, Angel. I’m confused. I don’t need to tell you that. I guess it’s quite obvious. But... right now, I’m as lonely as can be. So, I know what being a pariah feels like... And, of course, I can understand your problems with your father, although mine were somewhat different. This whole soulless vampire thing is still numbing, though..."

Her emotions were taking the best of her. She couldn’t make sense of them, so she looked into his eyes searching for an answer. What she found was more numbing than what she was already feeling. Angel’s eyes were intense and, in them, she could see all the same emotions that were taking over her. But there was more. There was something she hadn’t wanted to acknowledge in her own confused feelings... A longing, a desperate need. And... hope.

They kept staring at each other as they became aware of all they shared. Angel’s hands reached for hers and held them. He wanted to kiss her, but he didn’t. He lowered his head, letting his forehead come in touch with hers. He sighed. She freed one of her hands, bringing it to touch his cheek.

Gulping slightly, she raised her face towards his again. They were so close... physically as well as emotionally. He could feel her breath on his face.

"I don’t know if we could ever be friends, Angel..."

It was his turn to gulp.

"Do you want me to leave?", he asked her.

"I... don’t know." She couldn’t say it. She couldn’t admit her feelings. They stayed there, without moving, for a while. It seemed they were both afraid to break away from each other. Yet none of them could figure out what to do. Angel didn’t want to read too much between the lines, but it was hard to keep his calm. Kate was too much like him. He knew there was a lot more going on than would ever make it into the open. He also knew there was more he hadn’t told her...

He needed her. And he wanted her to see that she needed him too. But... What would be the point? They couldn’t be together. Buffy wasn’t really an issue anymore. But there was still the curse.

Kate had had enough trouble coming to terms with the fact that he was a vampire. She had spent months trying to overcome her feelings for him since she couldn’t be in love with a monster. Now, he had just given her more reasons to stay away from him... Not only she had learnt of the most terrible secret he kept, but she could also tell how close they were to giving in to temptation.

It all lasted but minutes, yet it seemed like eternity for both of them.

"Kate, we can’t go on like this forever..."

"Yes. I think you’d better go then." She sounded so unsure...

They parted and he turned around to leave.

"Angel...", she whispered.

"Kate?" There was hope in his tone.

"Do you want us to be friends? Is that what you want?", she said tentatively.

"No... Not really. You know that, don’t you?" He turned to face her again.

"You’re a vampire. You’ve killed lots of people, including your own family. I’m... not sure I can overcome that, Angel. But..." She stepped forward and kissed him.

Angel kissed her back... softly at first, then with increasing passion.

He realized they were both happy, yet sad.

Kate was not the kind of person who could just allow herself to forget the truth about their situation and Angel knew that perfectly well... Perfectly well... It kept hammering in his mind...

This could hardly be perfect, he thought. And, then, he smiled.