Solace

______________________________________________

Solace

Kate sat in her car and looked up at the big empty hotel. She had to admit it didn't look as desolate as it had only a few short months ago. Sure, it was still run down and had a dilapidated appearance. It just didn't carry the air of neglect and foreboding it once did. Repairs could be seen.
Replaced windows, new roofing in spots. Some fresh paint near the upper levels, as if an entire section of windows and wall had been replaced. "How can he live in there all alone?" she wondered, as she nervously rubbed her hands along the steering wheel in front of her.

Kate marveled at the size of the empty, rambling building. She couldn't help but think that somehow the old, dark, empty structure was an appropriate home for him - it just fit somehow. Visualizing the long, dark, silent halls, she wondered which room was his and how he had chosen it. She was postponing going in to see him. She had been sitting outside the hotel for 20 minutes asking herself why she was there and wondering what she thought
Angel could do.

Inevitably, she found herself reflecting on their relationship.
"Relationship?" she thought with mild amusement. In a short span of little more than a year Kate had gone from being oddly drawn to the handsome, honorable, yet mysterious man to hating the vile creature that shouldn't exist. He had introduced her to the 'real world' and in so doing destroyed
forever her reality - one she had no idea had been so fragile. She was sitting here, alive, because of him, but also completely at loose ends with her life because of the havoc he had caused in it. Kate knew he wasn't to blame. He had simply been the one to clue her in on what was really going
on in LA. No longer was she only concerned with pushers and murders when demons and vampires roamed free, unchecked to raise hell - literally.

Again she looked up at the empty hotel and thought of him. They had recently come to an unspoken truce, stemming from another shocking revelation that changed her life forever. Rubbing her fingers along the scar on her neck, she couldn't help but return to thoughts that plagued her
at the most inopportune times. Her mind skittered nervously around the memory of him biting her. As she remembered the still fresh and paralyzing pain and fear of that night she realized that her memories were tempered with the knowledge that his actions had probably saved her life - again.

"Typical," she thought with a resigned sigh and a shaking of her head. She had liked the man, had hated the creature she knew him to be and now owed him her life at least twice over. His honorable, fighting for good, dark but nice guy routine hadn't just been an act. It had been a code by which
he lived, even though the brutal, violent creature he held within was his true nature. She had been aware of his demon - seen him in action even. But at no time had it been clearer that he was more than just a man than when he
bit her. The creature within him ripped at her throat, devoured her blood and came close to killing her. It was the man, his soul, she guessed, that had actually saved her. He had had the control to not to kill her, but also to know it would take such violence to forestall her death at the hands of others.

Kate shifted uncomfortably in her car seat as she repeatedly rubbed the fading marks on her neck. Theirs had definitely been an uneven relationship, especially when one added the past week to the equation. They had actually begun to be friends again after all that had gone before. Kate had come by the hotel a few days ago to thank him. She had been grateful to be alive and ashamed of the way she had treated him after she had come out of the overdose. She remembered at first how awkward each of them had been as they tried to make polite conversation. She smiled to herself as she remembered Angel's clumsy attempts to offer and then make her coffee. She had been touched at his insistence that she have some, and momentarily wondered where
that had come from knowing instinctively that Angel himself probably hadn't thought of it.

"And here I am again," Kate thought with an internal sigh as she looked across the street to foreboding hotel entrance. Whatever other reasons might have brought her here she wanted to see him. Finally, she gave up, got out of her car quickly and with determined steps headed toward the
doorway thinking, "I shouldn't be here, I'm fine. Really. I am not going to do anything stupid. I really don't need to be here. I'm fine."

Without a clue, but sure this was where she needed to be, Kate took a deep breath and stepped inside, somehow sensing she would be safe here, if only she could let herself trust her instincts or him or whatever it was that was
drawing her there. The dimly lit lobby forced Kate to pause as she squinted into its murky recesses. As she became accustomed to the large shadowy room she slowly stepped further into its echoing confines. She briefly considered going back to her car for a flashlight when she realized she
might have to search the mammoth building for him. This thought was interrupted as Angel startled her, stepping into the lobby from a side hall door, arms full of freshly fluffed and warm clothing. "Kate," he said in surprise, coming to an abrupt halt.

"Hi," was her nervous greeting as she stared at him, suddenly curious and amused to think that Angel did laundry.

Glancing down at his full arms, Angel said, "Hi, uh, doing laundry."

He wasn't sure what to do or say. Glad to see her, he didn't want to scare her away now that she had finally returned. They both began talking at the same time, each wanting to fill the momentary lull that fell between them.

"You're busy. I should've called. I'll..." Kate said, as she began to turn back toward the doorway.

Angel asked worriedly, "Are you ok? Can I help? No, no. I'm not busy. Here, let me put these down and... and we can talk." Crossing the lobby quickly, Angel dumped his armload of clothes on the counter.

He hadn't seen her in a few days and discreetly checked her over carefully, trying to gauge how well she was recovering from the overdose and to make sure there were no new signs of her former desperation. He had of course checked on her nightly since their quiet chat in the courtyard a few days
ago. He knew she had thoroughly cleaned and reorganized her apartment, as the lemon scent of the cleanser pervaded even her apartment's hallway.
Angel was still concerned, as he was well aware loneliness and desolate feelings could only be held at bay so long with mindless activities.

He had told her to come to him any time, for whatever reason, that he'd be there, but wouldn't push. So, while he was glad to see her, he was also concerned about why Kate was back for a visit - he really didn't get the feeling it was just a social call. That she might finally be willing to trust him again after all this time heartened him. He wanted to help her if
he could but he knew that Kate's pride alone could make any attempts to reach her difficult. But she was here, that was a start. That she was willing to see him - after he had seen her at her most vulnerable - he couldn't help but think was a good sign.

As they stared at one another Angel had an unusual impulse. With a fleeting hope that it was the right thing to do, he stepped forward and folded Kate into a hug. She was stiff in his arms for a second and momentarily resisted. But as Angel continued to hold her a soft sob broke from her lips
and she let herself relax into his arms, ducking her head into his broad chest. He began to rock her slowly back and forth as he soothed her back and nuzzled his cheek into her hair. They swayed together, seeking solace in one another's arms.

The sweet moment was broken as Kate pulled away slightly and tried to stop crying as she wiped her eyes saying with a sniffle, "Sorry...God, I don't know what came over me...Sorry."

She tried to step further away only to be stopped by     resistance from Angel. Looking up in surprise and confusion, Kate met his deep, concerned filled eyes.

"It's ok," he said softly, with a gentle smile and then pulled her into another all encompassing hug.

She didn't resist but stood there unresponsive, feeling confused and  slightly embarrassed. As Angel slowly ran his hands relaxingly up and down her back and rocked her gently she couldn't help but loosen up somewhat, admitting to herself as she sank into his touch just how good it felt. To
be held, and soothed in a manner that no one had done since she was a child was an amazing thing to suddenly feel. Her mother was the last person that had held her when she cried and as that memory hit her, she cried all the harder. Quiet sobs overtook her body and as she tried to bury her face
further into to Angel's chest, Kate wrapped her arms around him tightly, finally breaking down.

Angel knew as he pulled her back into his arms that he had an ulterior motive. Kate obviously needed someone right then and he was touched that she had come to him. But, he also wasn't ready to let her go. As he felt her snuggle into his arms he realized he needed to hold her as much as she
needed to be held. "God, this ...this is what I needed," he thought. It had been so long since he had felt anyone wrap their arms around him in complete and total trust. Kate did so with little hesitation, abandoning past reservations as she offered him comfort in return and opened her untainted heart in the process. He too needed someone to hold him and as
Kate wept in his arms, he realized in surprise he had joined her.

Kate, not one for such dramatic public emotion, quickly got a hold of herself and though much comforted, had to break their embrace. Looking up from Angel's arms she was surprised to see he too was crying. She said softly in surprise and concern, "Angel?"

Angel couldn't quite bring himself to look at her as he realized he wasn't done yet, that he wasn't ready to quit now that he had started. He felt her staring up at him and made no move to stop her from pulling out of his arms and leading him to the lobby's couch.
Holding Angel's hand, Kate found herself pulling him down to her shoulder and comforting him, as tears continued to silently flow. For some reason she wasn't surprised at this turn of events as she thought about the last few weeks. She had told him once that her job was driving her crazy and at
the time she had discounted his sincere response that he knew what she meant. Now in hindsight Kate had to wonder about that comment.

She rubbed his back and returned the soft comforting words he had used earlier. As she murmured, "It will be ok," she felt him settle down and move to wrap his arm around her waist, molding his body to hers.

With a rough and ragged voice he answered, "Yeah...It will be."

They sat there in companionable silence holding one another, each aware of how odd this was but neither caring nor wanting to break the connection they finally had with someone else. Finally, Angle pulled back from Kate's
shoulder and asked with a small bashful smile, "You ok?"

She returned his small smile and said, "Yeah,...you?"

"Yeah."

Angel sat back to sprawl next to her on the couch saying, "Um,...Sorry, I um..."

"Angel," Kate said, interrupting with a slight chuckle, "I think we can skip - 'the I'm sorrys.'"

"Yeah," Angel responded, glad to hear her lighter tone.

They sat together not sure what to do with this new found closeness. Angel hesitantly pulled Kate's hand into his, a bit embarrassed by his desire to touch her, to share some expression of the emotion he was feeling right then. He glanced at her to gauge her reaction and then taking an unneeded breath said, "I'm glad you're here. I didn't say this before but I am glad I got there in time Kate. If you hadn't made it I don't know...I don't..."

"Hey, I did. Ok?" Kate said, as she leaned closer to him.

Angel wrapped his arm around her, pulling her closer as he said, "Yeah. You did."

Kate lay with her cheek resting against his chest and arm around his waist, enjoying their comfortable embrace. She glanced up at Angel and hesitantly asked him in a concerned tone, "What happened? Want to tell me?"

Angel glanced down at her and smirked for a second. "Where would I start?" he wondered. Instead of answering immediately, he wrapped his other arm around Kate and pulled her closer, not yet ready to let go of the warm
comfort she offered him. He was quiet for another long minute, aware that she waited for him to answer. Finally, he sighed saying, "Nothing happened.
Not since we last talked. I just...I'm tired of...of being alone."

Angel didn't want to go into his complicated relationship with Wesley, Cordelia and Gunn. They had been a major part of his life and he worried that if he wanted to return to work with them that he might have to settle for once again being a peripheral figure of a close-knit group. He had been
part of their 'family' once and hadn't known how lucky he had been at the time. Now he knew and cursed himself for having stupidly thrown away their freely given trust for his obsession with Darla and vengeance against Wolfram and Hart. Now he wanted desperately to have that back but at this point he would settle for their bare tolerance of him. At least he wouldn't have to be alone anymore.

Kate didn't reply to Angel's reluctant admission as she sensed he was going to continue. She recognized his quiet contemplative expression as his way of preparing himself to share something he normally wasn't inclined to
divulge. Finally, he glanced down into her concern-filled blue eyes and with a nonchalant shrug he gazed across the room at nothing as finally continued, "I've lived for 248 years and I've spent the last 100 of them pretty much alone. It was easier. Sure, for a while I was sick with guilt,
but I didn't care for anything or anyone. I didn't want or need anything. I lived for decades brooding about the unimaginable evil I had done, but I didn't do anything to make things better."

"But now...The more I am in this world, the more I try... I know I don't deserve for things to be easy," Angel hurried to explain. "I know that the fight isn't for redemption or to win a race. That the little good I do is its own reward - or that it should be."

Angel came to a stop in his unusually long self-evaluation. He held Kate in a slightly tighter hug for a moment savoring the warmth she shared with him and the comfort he felt in holding her. This was another feeling he missed, to have someone listen for no reason other than because they wanted to.
More importantly, he was able to express himself with little editing or the distraction of commentary of others. He was grateful for their unspoken truce, as Kate seemed to have finally put her usual judgments aside as she listened without interruption.

"You can't be expected to do it all alone Angel," Kate hesitantly said, not sure how to respond to his sudden sharing or his return to silence.

"No, I'm not," Angel, conceded. "I've had some friends, but...I haven't really... I mean I almost..."

He struggled to explain, to put into words what had happened. Not wanting to go into the long drawn out explanation he simply shrugged and summed
things up saying, "I'm just tired. I want to help because I don't want people to suffer but I don't want to do it alone - not anymore," Angel said.
Adding after a pause, "I don't think I can."

Kate pulled back to look at him when she heard those words. She recognized the tone, the sentiment behind them. Sadness tinged with despair, and longing, were what she read in his eyes. She was well acquainted with what
she saw and wanted to rid him of the pain he carried. As their eyes bore into one another tension began to fill the air. Angel froze as he looked at her, seeing in her the promise of warmth, comfort and escape - for now.
Kate for her part wanted to help him as he had her, and she too was in needed of comfort and an escape from the world.

It was Kate who made that first move, who leaned in to kiss him. He met her soft kisses uncertainly as he recalled his very recent coupling with Darla.
He shied away from the memories of that night as the despair and anger he had felt haunted him still. Angel had initiated their union in order to feel something beyond the dead coldness that infused his soul. His desperation to make a connection instead had devastated him, as it became an
act of pure brutality. He was sickened with what he had done and he felt the chill of that night still hanging about him like a thick mantel that would not come off. He had taken Darla to bed to feel and he had - complete and total despair. He had come out the other side feeling as if a fire had gone through him, cleansed his heart and purified his soul and left him
empty.

Kate's warmth was what saved him. She was so different from Darla, so wonderfully soft, gentle and warm that it shook him to his core. He realized that this was what he needed - something to replace those memories, a balm to sooth his soul, to fill the gaping hole that loneliness had carved out over the decades. As the world narrowed down to the sensations they shared, Angel couldn't resist her unspoken offer any longer. Not caring anymore, and desperately wanting to surrender to something that felt good he couldn't help but think he was weak as he began to return her kisses eagerly.

She wasn't Buffy or Darla. She was Kate. He knew this. She was the closet thing he had to someone who understood. She was also a woman almost as lost as he, seeking solace or to once again feel, to connect, to find comfort within the arms of someone she could trust. Angel responded to her tentatively at first but that turned to hunger quickly. They each felt a
spark, an emotional, mental, physical gasp within as the feelings they each had so carefully put away bubbled to the surface.

This wasn't love, they knew that. This was each of them wanting to help the other, and needing to have what the other could give. It was like recognizing like and need recognizing need. Their kisses set off the turmoil they each carried within and in moments they were holding on to one another for dear life, kissing hungrily as they sank further into the couch.
Their frantic kisses stopped momentarily as Kate broke away for a labored breath. Angel, unable to wait for her, moved on, and began to nuzzle and kiss her soft supple neck. Trying to swallow the moan that unintentionally left her lips, Kate raked her fingers through his hair, pulling him closer.
Head thrown back, blond hair spread across the couch's throw pillow, Angel stopped for a moment to drink in the sight before him. He saw her true beauty as he looked at her. She had finally dropped her guard completely and now open and vulnerable, Kate had a soft glow about her as she opened her eyes to meet his gaze. He realized that for the first time he was seeing Kate be completely trusting and he was moved by the faith she was showing him.

Shy smiles spread across each of their faces as Angel leaned into kiss her and as she reached for him with an excited, welcoming gleam in her eye.
The kiss, gentle at first, became passionate as Angel shifted them to lie across the couch and gathered Kate to him. It seemed as if they couldn't get close enough and finally with a frustrated groan Kate attacked the buttons on his shirt. Angel too was pulling at her t-shirt, each
frustrating the attempts of the other. Pulling away with a gasp, they shared a small chuckle as they panted for needed and unneeded breath.

Angel scooped Kate into a tight hug and buried his face in her hair, breathing deeply of her fresh perfume and feminine scent. He whispered hesitantly just as he pulled back a few inches to look into her face, "Maybe we should take this someplace more private?"

He was afraid she'd say no. That she would suddenly regret this impulsive act and run from him. But daring to look at her Angel met her eyes to see desire, and need. There was uncertainty but also trust when she smiled and
said with a bit of a laugh and a nod of her head, "Good idea."

Standing, Angel felt as if he was asking for a girl's hand to dance back when he was a boy. He was nervous, shy, excited and eager. He pulled Kate into his arms and wrapping one large hand in her blond tresses Angel
searched her eyes again for fear or regrets. Seeing none and feeling her wrap her arms around his waist, Angel smiled and lightly kissed her again.
He stopped abruptly and softly ran his face along hers and through her hair  caressing each other's skins with the soft, delicate contact. He whispered,
"Kate...God Kate. I need this, I need you.... But, I can't promise..."

"I know," was Kate's quiet reply as she sought out and found his lips. "I know," she continued to murmur as she pulled his arms down so she could wrap her arms around his neck and draw him down into a deeper kiss.

Each lost in the other, they held on to one another fiercely as if they could hold the world at bay. Finally, Kate had to pull away to breathe. As she caught her breath, Angel slowly unwound his arms and his hands slowly skimmed over her trembling body to stop at her hands. Bringing them to his
chest he looked down at her with his warm, brown, smiling eyes and said softly, as he pulled her toward the stairs, "Come on."

With a quickly deepening blush and a small, bashfully excited smile, Kate let him lead her by the hand up the lobby stairs to his rooms. Neither said anything but found quiet contentment in the other's presence. Angel had a passing concern that this was bliss but realized swiftly what he felt wasn't love - not the kind he had shared with Buffy, but instead he felt the warmth
of friendship, trust and comfort. Kate's surprising acceptance and desire to be with him was suddenly filling a void Angel had ignored for to long.
His loneliness had almost destroyed him, almost caused him to lose his mind, his soul and those around him that he loved. Kate knew and understood some of the depth of his pain, she too was alone, she too had hit rock bottom.
But now, here, they each filled that void within, replaced that pain with something more hopeful. Maybe it wasn't the final solution but it was an answer for the here and now.

Leading Kate into his bedroom, Angel pulled her into an impassioned kiss, again wrapping one hand in her hair as he held her nestled against him.
"God, she's so soft, and gentle," Angel thought, as he found he could only return her soft caresses in kind. He gradually directed them to his bed, never breaking their tender exchange. The earlier frantic edge of their kisses faded, as they became more involved, and thoughtful, exploring and
cherishing one another.

Slowly clothes were removed and reverently Angel took in her form, and finally laid a trail of soft kisses from her shoulders to her full breasts.
Kate wrapped her hands in his hair, gasping at the sensations he caused as he began to lavish her with kisses. Her body quickly became attuned to Angel's every touch, as his hands seemed to stoke the latent fire within.

Gradually he eased Kate back on to the bed and left her breasts for another deep kiss. Together they rolled to their sides, worshiping the other as each learned the other's form, gently awakening neglected desires. Their joining was a tender, gradual process. Kisses deepened, caresses became
more urgent and with each beginning to almost groan in need Kate finally pled, "Angel, please."

Angel took her in another deep kiss as he slowly eased himself between her thighs and finally into her warm embrace. So different from Darla and the brutal, hard, cold sex they had shared, Angel was momentarily overwhelmed.
He dropped his head to Kate's shoulder and hid his face in her hair unable to cope with what he was feeling. He felt imprisoned in her amazingly soft, secure hold in a way that he never thought he would experience again. Kate held him tightly, and moving with him, her hands traversed his shoulders, arms and back murmuring soft encouragement. Though slow and gentle, each quickly found their release, so overwhelmed with the connection they had made. They held one another carefully, as they gasped at the end,
separating only to curl back together in a warm embrace. Again Angel thought, 'so different from Darla' as he gently rubbed his cheek against
Kate's soft blond hair. She cuddled into his arms, her head on his chest, holding him as he held her. Their passion spent they were content to express their feelings in soft kisses and caresses, each basking in the warm, tender, loving world they had created. Only small endearments were exchanged as they nuzzled into one another finally with some sense of peace - much like puppies seeking the warmth in one another.

With a small frown Angel considered his soul. He felt fine, great even. He knew he didn't love Kate. They had shared themselves completely, but in friendship and in need, not in the blissfully pure love he had had once with Buffy. Nor was the pure despair he had shared with Darla evident. Instead,
comfort, warmth, the soothing of torn emotions, and something akin to joy filled him as he carefully pulled Kate into another soft kiss.