Isolation

This story has a companion fic, Moment of Weakness, which takes place before this piece. Based on Kare's wonderful lyrics challenge - hope I did the song justice! "Give me Strength" is by Over the Rhine.

Sitting in the rain alone
Looking out at a place that’s gone
Boarded up my memories
That something strong may here again
And I, I cannot leave the past alone

Kate listened to the rain patter softly on her windows. She had always liked the rainy nights, but this one truly fit her mood. She smirked. She’d often scoffed at people who had claimed to have deep, intricate thoughts, or waxed poetic about life. But tonight she herself was in an introspective mood. She’d been having those a lot lately, come to think of it. It was like her mind couldn’t quite become silent. She placed the awards back into the box she’d taken from her closet. It held so many memories for her- both good and bad. It also included one of her most prized possessions- her graduation diploma from the force.

For so long, that diploma had defined her- a strong, independent, intelligent young cop. A woman who often had problems working in group settings, preferring to work on her own. Now as she sat in her own apartment, she felt alone, and quite frankly, isolated. She never really had friends inside the department. They were always simply co-workers. And she’d never had a social life outside of her work. She’d been so focused on her job, she'd let her personal life slide. Now she had no backup, no one to save her from drowning in her own sea of misery. She had no one to talk to, no one to turn to. Well, she realized with a heavy sigh, she supposed she had Angel.

Ever since the night he had saved her after her suicide attempt, she’d thought of him a lot. Maybe he could understand even better than she why she preferred to live in the past. When she lived in the past, she still lived in the pain of her father’s death. She had a mission, a mission to harm the creatures that had harmed her father. If she didn’t have the pain to drive her, she felt open and vulnerable. Pain and anger were very easy emotions. They could motivate her to do anything. But now that she had let go of them, let go of her anger at Angel, she felt only an empty void. Is that how Angel felt? That if he forgave himself for his past, he’d only be filled with a large, gaping hole? Was there anything that would fill that void? Could anything? She had a feeling that only Angel could tell her for certain. And only he could help her find out.

So take a look outside yourself and tell me what you see
I can’t believe that you won’t see the change in me
Give me the strength to be only me

She wondered if he would be willing to help her. She snorted at the thought. The old Kate Lockley would cringe at those words. Relying on someone to help her had never been an issue; she had always maintained the attitude that she could take care of herself. The new Kate Lockley was confused, hurt, and a little frightened of what lay ahead. She wasn’t sure which way to go. Would Angel recognize her if he was to see her tonight? She knew that Angel would understand. Like her, he’d never let anyone get too close. Too fearful of being hurt, or of hurting someone else.

Kate always had the fear that she’d put friends in the path of danger, with the job she held. Her only close relative back then, her father, was in the same business, so she didn’t have to worry about him. And even if she did have friends, she never really connected to any of them. They’d blather on about their lives, and their families, never seeing the pain in her eyes. The fear that she’d never have anyone to call her own. From the time that her father had picked his job over her, she’d never quite been the same. Her father had been a workaholic when she was a child, married to his job. Heck, there were some nights she was lucky she got to see him briefly. She’d never quite gotten over that hurt of being rejected. She had always kept people an arm’s reach away, determined not to be hurt again, or to unintentionally harm anyone else. But she no longer wanted to hold back. Now she wanted to embrace people, embrace life. Angel would understand that, right? He would see that she had changed?

I don’t want to hear the things you say you know
Are you redeemed?
Because I can’t change what’s come before
Build myself some better dreams
And cast out the fear that holds me here

She hoped Angel understood why she had treated him as she had. She had never truly been as angry with him as she pretended. She’d been more upset with herself for her father’s death. Maybe if she’d been there, if she’d sensed he was in trouble, it would have been different. Angel had been a convenient scapegoat, one she had all too easily shifted the burden of guilt to. It wasn’t a good realization, and it made her feeling of shame all the more heavy. She decided she needed to take responsibility for her own actions, before accusing others.

He would see that, wouldn’t he? He’d forgive her, wouldn’t he? Well, she told herself, it wasn’t like it was all her fault. He hadn’t been upfront with her, either. Then she forcibly told herself to stop. What was done was done, and she had to accept at least half the blame. She wouldn’t hate him if he didn’t want to help her, but she was certain he would. After all, wasn’t it him who had said the night she’d met him "I’m looking for someone to rescue. Do you need rescuing?" That night, she’d laughed it off as a lame pick-up line. Now, she held onto those words, hoping that he could help her find herself again. Because while she may not need rescuing in the technical sense of the word, she did need someone to talk to, and someone who could reassure her that it would be okay. And someone to help her pick up the pieces of her shattered life, and put them back together.

So take a look outside yourself and tell me what you see
Cause I can’t believe that you won’t see the change in me
Give me strength to find the world that’s lost in me
And give me time to heal and build myself a dream
And give me strength to be only me

She knew that she’d have to face him soon. To ask whether he’d be willing to help her out, to help her understand why she was here, and where she needed to go from this point. To make a new beginning. So why hadn’t she given him a call? She was scared, she admitted to herself. She feared that a rejection from him would destroy her. The last rejection, the last goodbye, the last no, and she’d be done for. Then she’d truly have no one, nothing. And for the first time in her life, she didn’t think she could handle that. She wouldn’t blame him, if he did reject her. She’d pushed him away so many times, spat out fiery words of hate in their arguments, that even she wasn’t sure if she deserved another chance. But she knew that if she could convince him to help with her, that they would in turn be helping each other.

She could help him too, she was sure of it. They could both understand each other’s pain and anguish, of that she was certain. Maybe she could help unlock some of his inner demons as well, and ease some of the torturous burden he always carried. Now she just needed the courage to talk to him, a courage that she’d never lacked previously. Before, if she were nervous about something, she’d face it head on. She’d have barged into Angel’s residence, and demanded that he talk to her. Now she felt she had no right for demands, no right to ask anything of him. She took a long, calming breath. She knew she’d have to do this sooner or later. But as she reached for the phone, something stopped her. She heard one strong, sharp knock on her door. Pulling every piece of emotional armor she had left together, she closed her eyes for a moment, concentrating. She had a funny feeling that this night might very well change everything. Then she got up and walked to the door.