It Still Feels

Kate had nervously awaited this day. She and Angel had been routinely meeting every week, with him stopping by her apartment and seeing how she was doing. He'd always seemed to be trying to tell her something, but never quite able to get it out. She hadn't pushed, knowing that with Angel you had to give him time to sort it out himself. Finally, last week, he'd come out and told her. He now had a son. She smiled as she remembered her reaction. He really should have to buy her a new set of kitchenware for all that she broke when he was near. A few plates went when he'd come in quietly and startled her; a canister broke when he'd clumsily hit it off the counter; and this time, with the news of his son, when she'd dropped her entire mug of coffee.

He'd explained to her as much as he knew, how Darla was the mother and he wasn't quite sure how they had been able to create the small child. How he'd named him Connor, and how Cordelia had taken to becoming like a mother Hen around the infant. When she'd asked where Darla was, his only response was a terse "Gone." She didn't know what had happened there, but she figured she'd find out in time. At first, she was hurt that he had waited so long to tell her. However, like she'd reasoned before, Angel needed time to think about what he wanted to tell people. And admittedly, she was happy that he'd chosen to tell her at all. Angel didn't have the capacity to trust many people.

He'd given her an invite that time as well. He'd told her that he'd like it if she'd come see the baby, and she jumped at the chance. The only stipulation she had was that she come over when his friends and associates were not around. Things were still tense between her and the Angel Investigations team, and the last thing she wanted was to have them breathing down her neck when she saw Angel's child for the first time.

So she'd arrived at the hotel this evening, a night that Angel had told everyone to go out and party on. He'd opened the door, and carefully taken her coat. He offered her coffee, which she declined. She tried to hide her excitement and impatience; she couldn't have explained it to him had he asked about it. She wasn't sure why she wanted to see his son so badly. Finally, after some small talk and dropped hints, he led her up the steps to the room where his son was sleeping. He walked her in, then left for a moment. Kate's eyes widened, a bit stunned that he was allowing her to be in here alone with the baby, and felt a bit awed by the trust he had given her. She slowly crept up to the crib, and looked inside.

Kate looked down at the small face, peeping out of fuzzy pajamas. Her hands lightly wrapped around the wood of the crib as she leaned over and studied Connor. He looked so tiny and innocent, and so pure. So...angelic, she thought with a hidden smile. Breathing in the soft scent of baby powder, she carefully reached down and trailed her finger over soft cheeks to the cupid bow lips. "Checking for fangs?" A voice drolly asked from behind her. Kate's hand flew back to land over her heart, and she barely suppressed the gasp that would wake up the sleeping child. Glancing over her back, she softly whispered, "Don't do that. I didn't realize you were back."

Angel shrugged unapologetically, then moved to stand beside her at the crib. As he looked down at his child, she saw sadness, longing, love and a hint of fear slide over his features. Then she also saw a slight expression of anger cross his eyes, and she quickly looked around for any hidden threat. Seeing none, she turned back to see his feelings carefully masked again. Reaching out to touch his sleeve, she none too gently tugged on it. After he brought his eyes up to her, she pulled him slightly away from the crib and began talking in a low voice. "Angel, what's wrong? Aren't you happy?" she asked softly.

Angel sighed heavily. "Yes. No. I...Kate, why the hell did The Powers That Be let him into this world? Why?" He asked fiercely, meeting her startled blue eyes with a pained gaze. "Kate, what can I offer him? A life of suffering? Of fear? Of constantly having to battle the bad things in the world? I can't be with him always, Kate. I can't offer him sunshine, or music, or happiness. Is this my final punishment? To have a child that suffers thanks to my deeds? That Connor now has to suffer my penance with me?"

Stalking away on that pained note, he went to the window and stared blankly outside. Kate inhaled sharply. Moving towards him, carefully making no noise, she stood next to him. "Angel," she started, then paused to take a deep breath. "Angel, you are *everything* that Connor needs. Everything," she repeated firmly, as he started to contradict her. "Angel, my father was...cold. A very hard man, who didn't really understand emotions, let alone how to express them. Yet, he always managed to be there for me when I needed him. When I fell down and hurt myself on the playground. When I failed my first drivers test. When I graduated from high school. When I was sworn in as one of LA's finest. Angel, children don't think about what you can't give them. They think about what you *do* give them. All he needs from you right now is love. The rest will come in time." She saw slight tears build in his eyes, as he blinked them away.

He shook his head. "Kate, my kind can't love..." She snorted. "Angel, you're wrong. Absolutely wrong," she said, ignoring his look of disbelief. "Angel, love isn't always detectable. Sometimes it hides right here..." she said, placing her hand over his heart. "You may not know it's there, but it'll appear when the time is right." Angel shook his head sadly. "Kate, my heart doesn't beat." She nodded in assent. "No, it doesn't. But it still feels, doesn't it?" she asked softly, holding his gaze. He seemed about to answer, when they heard a tiny snuffle from behind them. Quickly and silently, he moved to check on Connor. The baby moved a tiny bit, and then settled back down. Drawing his hand over his child's own small palm, he held it for a moment. He caught Kate's eye as she moved to stand across from him. He nodded. "Yes, it does still feel," he slowly agreed.

Kate's head turned as she heard a door opening somewhere in the hotel. She looked back at him. "The others are coming back. I better get going," she said, feeling an odd reluctance to leave the warmth of the room. Angel nodded, and watched as slight sadness filled her eyes. "Kate..." he started, then paused. At her quizzical expression, he continued. "Kate, maybe we could...get together some night? At your place? Maybe watch a movie or something? I could bring Connor..." he finished expectantly. Her face brightened. "I'd like that," she whispered. "I'll walk you out," he said, letting go of Connor's hand and moving towards the door. He stopped as she walked back to the crib, and watched as she slowly leaned down to brush a soft kiss against Connor's forehead. Smoothing his pajamas, she stared at him for a long moment before following Angel out.

"You know," she said suddenly while Angel helped her get her coat on. "There was this quote that I remember from my childhood. 'To love for the sake of being loved is human, but to love for the sake of loving is angelic.'" She turned around and smiled at him. "You're an excellent father, Angel. I'll see you soon." And with that, she turned and left.

As Angel watched her walk to her car and drive away, his mind went over what she'd all said to him. Feeling the slight tugging sensation that often warned him that Connor needed him, he started to go up the stairs. Then he stilled, truly listening to the feeling of being wanted by his son. He realized that he felt the sensation of that love in his heart. And Angel smiled. Yes, his heart still felt.