Moment of Weakness

This story has a companion fic, Isolation, which takes place after this piece. Based on Kare's wonderful lyrics challenge - hope I did the song justice! "Give me Strength" is by Over the Rhine.

Sitting in the rain alone
Looking out at a place that’s gone
Boarded up my memories
That something strong may here again
And I, cannot leave the past alone

Angel stood out on the roof of the hotel, staring out at the lights of L.A. shining like a beacon in the stormy night. He hardly noticed the hard, cold droplets of rain pelting down onto him. This was his special place, where he could be alone. He could think here, without any interruptions. And the night was where he belonged. Cloaked in darkness, his secrets unknown. Solidarity was his familiar, and it was where he preferred to be.

Sometimes he pretended he could see Sunnydale’s welcome sign from where he stood, though he knew it impossible. He realized now that he had to put his past in Sunnydale away. Buffy, Giles, everyone and everything from that time in his existence. That didn’t mean he’d forget about them. No, he’d never forget. They’d always have a special place in his memories, though they’d now be tucked away. He guessed it was like photographs. Bright and bold when first taken, then slightly faded after a while. Until all you have are the memories of good times, and the sound of laughter echoing through your ears.

He had to move on now, move forward. He understood that now, after his talk with Kate. Kate, the woman who had always intrigued him. She’d always been an enigma until the night that he saved her from her suicide attempt. Beautiful and intelligent, she’d commanded his attention from the moment they’d met. Her features were emblazoned in his mind- her expressions, the half-smirk she’d so often give him, the way her brows furrowed as she tried to figure out a case, the hard glare she used when she was angry with him.

He’d always thought that they’d never get along. They were too different, both too stubborn and headstrong. They’d clashed wills often, and both refused to accept help from the other. Until that fateful night when she tried to kill herself. Now he realized they were more alike than he’d ever thought. Both mired in the past, trapped in a swirling pool of memories that tangled around them. Helplessly caught in the maelstrom, neither could get their footing and both refused to reach out for help. Never living in the present, in the moment. Now both were safe, on land and out of the dark depths of the past, but still they were helpless and flailing, gasping for air, unsure of what to do. Knowing they wanted to strive towards a better future, but unfortunately even with all the self-help books there were in the world, there was no advice on how to make changing your life easy and painless.

So take a look outside yourself and tell me what you see
I can’t believe that you won’t see the change in me
Give me the strength to be only me

Angel laughed lightly to himself. Making friends with enemies- wasn’t that what it was all about? Now they would both have to accept each other’s help. Pull themselves through these somber moments, to try to get to happiness. He wondered what she would say if she could see him now. Would she recognize him? He knew that she used to see him as something evil, something to be detested. Had that truly changed now, or had it only changed for that moment when they connected in their conversation? No, he decided. She knew, and she understood. She understood his pain and regret, how he felt about cutting people out of his life, for never truly allowing them to come close to him.

Kate, he realized, for a long time only knew how to be a cop. She functioned as one, even when she wasn’t at work. Now she was lost, feeling adrift. After being fired, she had no idea what her purpose was anymore. He felt the same- he wasn’t sure he even had a purpose anymore. He had always denied himself happiness and pleasure, for then he felt he was serving his penance. He’d spent so much time isolating himself, and trying to repent, that he didn’t know how to be anything but the old broody, sad Angel. He no longer knew who he was, and he wondered if he ever really did.

He wondered if Kate would be willing to allow him to help her search for who she really was. He hoped she’d realize that he wasn’t just doing this to rescue her, to be the hero. He wasn’t doing this out of pity. He’d always tried to be the tough guy, the man who wanted to save everyone. And this time, he wasn’t sure he could help save Kate. But there had to be a reason that the Powers That Be allowed him entry to her house to save her after her suicide attempt. And he was determined to find out why. Because if he didn’t save Kate, he would fail. He would fail not only Kate, but also himself. Maybe, just maybe, if he were able to help her out, the sorrow in his heart would ease just a bit. And maybe he would start to be able to gain his own sense of redemption.

I don’t want to hear the things you say you know
Are you redeemed?
Because I can’t change what’s come before
Build myself some better dreams
And cast out the fear that holds me here


Angel had been angry with Kate when she blamed him for her father’s death. He hadn’t felt it was fair. However, it was quite ironic. He had killed many people in his past, yet this one he was not culpable for. Kate had become judge, jury and executioner, and had proclaimed him guilty out of her own fear and misgivings. He had cursed her unwillingness to believe in him. And perhaps, just perhaps, he did feel guilty. Because for once, he wasn’t able to be the hero, he was not able to save the helpless. And that was a thousand times worse than facing what had happened in his past. He no longer wanted to add to his scorecard of painful memories.

He now admitted to himself, in the darkness, that he couldn’t save everyone. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t try. You had to take the good with the bad. Nothing in life comes easily or free. He was so scared to move forward, though. He didn’t want anyone to assume that he was simply putting his past crimes on a shelf, and denying that they happened. He was scared that if he didn’t act repentant at all moments of the day, that he would be perceived as ignoring his past. And he wasn’t. He was so confused. He didn’t know where to turn, or where to go. All he knew was that he wanted and needed help. Someone to talk to, to reassure him that what he was doing was right. And he realized now that person was Kate.

So take a look outside yourself and tell me what you see
Cause I can’t believe you won’t see the change in me
Give me strength to find the world that’s lost in me
And give me time to heal and build myself a dream
And give me strength to be only me

He knew what he needed to do. He needed to go talk to her. But he feared it would only lead to one final rejection from her. One more admission that she did not need him or his aid, and that she would never be willing to help him. But he had to try. He would tell her, try to make her understand how he had changed, and why. And why she was the only one who could help him, who could possibly heal the scars that were layered around his non-beating heart. That she didn’t have to be alone, and that they could go through this together.

It wouldn’t be easy, he knew. And it wouldn’t be solved quickly, that was certain. It would take a lot of time and hard work, and they may never truly succeed. But they could try. Yes, he thought, they could most certainly try- together. Taking one last look over LA, he turned to go. He moved softly down into the hotel, and out the door. He got in his car, not allowing himself second thoughts, and drove. At her apartment he hesitated, very close to just leaving again. But he knew that he couldn’t let his cowardly feelings lead him anymore. He was so nervous he practically couldn’t get up the steps. Angel steeled himself for her reaction, as he stood outside her apartment door. Nodding once to himself, he gave himself one final chance to turn away. He silently willed his hand to stop shaking. He told himself once more that she wouldn’t reject him. God, he hoped she wouldn’t reject him. And then he raised his hand, and knocked once on her door.